I've been thinking about this topic for a while and I can't quite figure out if I'm being ridiculous and overly neurotic and obsessive or if it's an actual fact. And thus: blogging it.
Do you think being a mom to a bunch of kids makes you a bad friend?
I'm saying a "bunch of kids", because I believe in making time for friends and that this was easily possible for me until the people in diapers outnumbered the people not in diapers in our house. Now I'm not saying making time for friends is calling them everyday, or seeing them whenever you want, because that's a much more difficult prospect once you've birthed another human, but intentionally maintaining friendships can be easier than we think. Just a phone call every so often if it contains a meaningful conversation, or maybe keeping up texting, or even just a hello every once in a while on the ol' book of Face. Just something to let you know you care enough to check in, and ask them how they're doing means so much.
I'm also asking this lately because I have always been believed strongly in women and mothers keeping up their friendships while having kids. Friendship is one of the most important relationships in life, you can't get around it. I'm sure you've known the girls who've naively thrown off friendship in favour of boyfriends, or husbands, and end up lonely a few years later. Or maybe women who have become so completely enamoured with their babies that they simply forget how to make time for pursuing and maintaining the bare minimum of friendship. I know while we grow and mature friendships change, but even though they may change their importance and existence is something worthy of our time and priorities. No matter how strong a marriage or how much we love our children the fact that we need other women who understand us, talk to us, sympathize with us, and laugh with us doesn't change.
Lately though I've wondered if I've been an awful friend. I feel as if I've been stretched to my limit with kids, toddlers, baby, then husband, then a little time to myself. There's simply no extra time. Beyond that if I do have time away I feel as if I'm a weary killjoy, counting the hours because of babysitters or needing to get back to a nursing baby. I feel like I'm a terrible listener because my attention span is as short as the time it takes to be constantly correcting toddlers behaviour and manners. I boss friends around to place to place, keeping things running on time, and doling out fashion advice because I'm so used to commanding a small army of wayward child-size barbarians in need of civilization. I feel as if I'm losing sociable skills because I'm constantly surrounded by toddlers, all day every day!
These frustrations become amplified around my single and/or childless friends. I know that maybe they'll understand me one day, but I worry that in the present we'll drift too far apart; that we won't even be in touch by the time they become mothers rolls around. These frustrations and worries have been weighing on me recently. Knowing that there is no easy fix, that I can't simply plug quality time into the friendship bank and have instant success, makes my friendships seem precarious in a way.
Am I worrying too much, fretting over my weird insecurities? Or is this something I just need to mature about and get over? Have you figured it all out? And if so-give me all your wisdom!
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This is a great post, Christy, and something that has been on my mind lately too (even sans ex utero kids). Adjusting to marriage and the life of each new child, I'm sure, presents a new challenge of balancing and prioritizing. I often find that the duties of wifehood and other familial responsibilities trumps time to simple "waste time" on the phone or out for dinner with a good girlfriend. This is such a great reminder to me to continue to reach out and remain close with those women who enrich my life so much.
ReplyDeleteOh goodness, I've worried about this constantly for the last year or more--and we haven't even been blessed with children yet. We've been struggling with health problems (including infertility and digestive stuff) and I'm afraid that the stress and exhaustion of it all has just sucked the "good friend" right out of me. My husband does better with going out occasionally with friends and tries to encourage me to do it to, but 9 times out of 10, I'm just too worn out. And when I do get myself out and social, I'm afraid that I'm just poor company. It's really all of the same fears, even if there's not as adorable an excuse.
ReplyDeleteHave you found any low-energy-cost ideas for little deposits in the friendship bank? Phone calls take too much out of me and I'm a hilariously slow texter, but I'd love to find something. :) I'm looking forward to seeing what other advice shows up in the comments here. Praying that you find the balance that you're looking for.
Yes, health problems, kids, other difficulties, they all make for friendship falling to the bottom of the list which can be a sad thing. I know good friends will still be there, but it doesn't take away the crummy feeling of being a less than stellar friend. Thanks for your thoughts.
DeleteI think having kids changes your friendship, that is for sure. And, I think that is okay. I really do think that it is okay for friends to come and go, for some friends to be major part of our lives during certain times and for other friends to be a major part duirng other times. We've moved a lot, so that has a been a way bigger challenge to friendship than just having kids. And, I've finally come to a place where I'm okay with that, with having some friends fade into merely Christmas card exchanges and other friends take a more prominant role.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Amelia on this. There are seasons of life. I love my friends and am so grateful for the other moms at parkday and for the Catholic blogging community, but other than that, my life is full up with my husband and children. I have all the conversation and interaction I need/can handle. Most of my friends have kids now too. I assume that in many years when things quiet down again there will be more time for going to coffee.
DeleteYes, I understand the seasons of life playing an important part. And I have definitely thought that way especially the over the past couple years and couple kids. I guess beyond that I honesty kinda worry that I'm turning into a giant nag/boss/drag to be around because I'm constantly being exasperated by toddlers. Which speaks more to me and my issues and things to work on I guess.
DeleteAs someone in almost your exact circumstances (I say almost because I don't homeschool or nurse- I have my limits and selfish as they may be- I can only do so much) I will say I have lost some friends post babies, and kept a few. The way I look at it is, if you're able to maintain the relationship through all of the 5 kid craziness, then it was a relationship worth having. If it wasn't possible, if they weren't accepting or understanding, or if it just faded... then maybe it wasn't the relationship that you thought it was in the first place. When you have kids like we do, everything requires huge effort and friendships are no different. The friendships I have mantained are with people I just love to pieces. They say you should only have things in your home that you absolutely LOVE, I think our lives are the same way. I keep those who are important very close (I have one friend who I talk to every single day without fail)...she is worth my efforts and I am happy to give them (and receive as well because it must go both ways). I can't say that for everyone I considered a good friend pre-babies.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a great topic of discussion, Christy. I've definitely mourned the loss of some friendships since moving and becoming a Mom. It's hardest to maintain friendships with those who are not at the same place in life, and while this is just a fact, I've felt so guilty about it. I think being a new mom of several little ones is the hardest time in life to maintain any sort of personal space or interests, and that includes friends! But, kind of going along with what Sarah said above, I think the friendships that remain are the ones where both parties don't put pressure on each other and there are no expectations and few hurt feelings. Friendships, like all relationships, are about loving and serving one another, but our friends need to understand that our spouses and kids take priority and we can only give so much beyond our responsibilities. And the same goes for us with them. We shouldn't expect our friends to always be there for us and understand everything we're going through. We need to stop putting expectations on one another and just love each other where we are at.
ReplyDeleteThis is spot on, I think. : )
DeleteYes Ellen! It is definitely hard to maintain friendships when you're in a different place in life. I've lost friends who I thought were best friends because they didn't understand that I was keeping our friendship up while having kids while they were single but had a boyfriend which somehow equalled or surpassed my responsibilities. I think there is a steep learning curve with women once they get married. We learn a lot when we figure out that ordering our lives with husbands and children first changes pretty much everything. And its honestly something you can't imagine when you're single.
DeleteOh my goodness, yes. I'm am unquestionably a worse friend since having a kid. Besides all the extra responsibility, I think I need more time to myself to decompress than I used to. I've been trying to send cards via snail mail more often to let friends know I still care, but long phone conversations or emails are just too much for me to handle. Hopefully this part of motherhood will get easier as our kids get older.
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent post. I'm 61 and never-married, no kids. I have a friend who has been my friend since we were in high school. She is a wife, mother of two sons, and grandmother of three small children. You need to know that our very close friendship has never suffered. It changed and grew over the years as we grew, moved around, changed jobs, etc, but we are every bit as close to each other now as we were when we were kids, if not closer. There were times in the in-between years when our lives did not cross paths very often, but when we did get together, our conversation picked up as if we had just spoken the day before. Today, we share stories and photographs -- I have mine of 13 great-nieces and nephews and she has hers of her grandchildren. Yes, there are those busy, crazy times, but there are some people who will be around throughout, if not physically, then in spirit. Really, I know of a few other people who can attest to the same thing. Like Ellen says, "....just love each other where we are at."
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your perspective! There is so much wisdom in your words and they're great to hear to those of us who are less experienced with life and friendship. It's really a beautiful story of friendship you have. I hope one day the friendships I have now will have lasted that long through such beautiful times of life.
DeleteI don't think I have any words of wisdom because I'm right there in the thick of it with ya! Some friendships have fallen by the wayside because being married and having kids puts you in such a different stage of life than a single person, or even married couples who don't have kids. It can be hard for the latter categories of people to understand the frazzling nature of having a lot of littles to tend to.
ReplyDeleteBut thankfully, I do have some friends who, even though they are in a different phase of life, have been gracious and patient with my sporadic and weak communication and have allowed our friendship to evolve rather than just letting it disintegrate. I'm so grateful for them. And of course, it is great to get to meet other people in church who are in the same place in life and let your kids play together while you talk…because then you are both interrupted and scatterbrained and it's all good!
Yes, it can be a bit sporadic, but I think we hopefully grow in empathy for our friends as their lives change. I think what I find the best testament to friendship is not so much a constant interaction, but just efforts to let the others know you're thinking of them, and then actually showing care in knowing how they are and wanting to know them. Sometimes surface friendships, or friendships that feel one sided are so disheartening. But maybe that's just me.
DeleteI'm disheartened to see so many moms say that the friendships they lost were not a big deal.
ReplyDeleteThink of it this way, some of your single friends may never get married or have kids, and if every friend they e ever had dumps them because they don't have kids or a hubby.... Where will that leave them in the next ten, fifteen, twenty years?
To have no deep friendships through no fault of their own?
Send an email, a post card. Just invite them over, we don't care if your house is scattered with toys or the diapers aren't folded.
One dear friend of mine invites me for dinner every two weeks or so. Her daughter is very precious to me, she loves her auntie TRS! Being a part of their family is the best thing in my life right now.
The way we approach it, is she's making dinner anyway... And she's grateful that I drive out to visit them, so she can manage bedtimes and whatever else.
You can't isolate yourself from others and think life will be peachy when you're ready to reemerge.
I don't think many moms would say losing friendships are not a big deal, and that's pretty much what I wanted this post to get across, that we can't just let friendships slide on the excuse that we have kids. I don't believe in that excuse at all which is why the fact I have no time makes me feel like an awful friend because I do so much want to keep up my friendships. I agree with you that we need to recognize that friendship is important even though we're married and have kids, and sometimes even more so because of it. And I also agree that we can just do little things to keep friendships up. It's all important when we all have such busy lives.
DeleteI find it almost impossible to have a decent conversation with other adults when my children are around. All my energies and consciousness go in to an awe ness of them. I tried to get past this for a few years and still invited friends around, tried to be a fabulous ' just drop in everyone!!' Type person but this was totally unsustainable for me. I've just realise that I don't have the energy for friends except for the occasional coffee on the weekends.
ReplyDeleteLuckily I've never been someone who needs girlfriends very much ;)
Oh my goodness Christy. This bothers me all the time! With all the moving and living in the eternal north, I feel like I'm useless with friendships. When we finally get back "home" for some weekends, we are so busy making sure we see family that friends get pushed to the bottom of the list and if we see one, we are lucky. And then not to mention how awful I feel when I can't help a friend out like when they are pregnant and/or sick because I'm so far from most of them. It's the only reason I still have FaceBook; to at least see how friends are doing and what they are up to and how their children are growing etc. When I finally starting going to the church moms and tots group up here I felt like I need to go all the time so I can at least be a good friend to the people up here and talk to people through something other than texts (though I'm thankful for texts.) We'll get our visit in soon. ;)
ReplyDeleteAnge