Monday, August 20, 2012
Trying not to pout and other truths.
Sorry for the blog silence around here. I've spent the last week or so not wanting to get out of bed. No the news isn't of the life threatening sort, its of the sort I can't seem to talk about yet though. But needless to say I'm doing an awesome job dealing with it.
Isn't it funny how we spend so much time talking about suffering and God, as in the way God works with suffering in our lives, helps us through it with grace and all that other great stuff, but when you really boil it all down the suffering part really sucks. You just can't get around it. I also suck at suffering, and can't seem to get around that either.
I feel the most frustrated at this all-encompassing frustrating situation at my own emotions. I feel as if my emotions are almost making this situation impossible to deal with. The situation cannot be changed and yet my emotions are making it about 100 times worse than it already is all by itself. I seem to be asking God what the point of these emotions are because they just keep making things more awful. If God was going to give me this problem, why not cut me a break on my emotions and feelings towards it? Where's the magic "saintly feelings" dust?? If God is asking for heroic things, where is my heroic feelings of self sacrifice and joy?
I can't figure out if its just me, if I've bought into our cultures "must feel good all the time" mandate, or if maybe these emotions play into the situation on a level which God's ok with. Its really a vicious cycle of feeling horrible, then thinking about why I feel horrible, then coming up with only horrible reasons why I am feeling horrible.
Basically I'm a hot mess. For all the craziness the future holds, I'm still having a hard time just dealing with today. Getting through today in all my questioning, anger, frustration, and basic strange communication with God right now. Trying not to let my emotions control me and keep me in bed all day. I feel immature and silly knowing its God's will yet feeling so generally horrible about it all.
I'm sorry for all my vagueness that may one day become clear. I'm off to fold more laundry, give more cuddles, and clean up more messes. Please spare a prayer for me when you can!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
LinkWithin
I happen to not be super awesome when it comes to suffering, either. In fact, unless everything is going great I whine and fume and do a decent job of making everybody else as miserable as I feel. Whatever your circumstances are, I'm thinking of you and saying prayers. Especially asking the Blessed Mother and St. Anne for intercession as you face caring for your four little ones while feeling crummy. Love!
ReplyDeleteI feel you Christy. And my suffering is so pathetic and materialistic, I feel terrible even calling it such...but nonetheless, it has been sufficient to make me a miserable, hot mess for the past week. And a very enjoyable wife and mother, I'm sure. I will try to suck it up and offer some of it for you instead of concentrating on producing high blood pressure and spontaneous grey hairs on my head.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you, Christy! I've definitely been there (and recently too!) so I know exactly what you're talking about.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you, Christy. I will offer up my current bout of insomnia for you.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like me when I was pregnant with Henry - deep bouts of (what was for me) depression because I felt bad, and felt bad about feeling bad and then worried about what society thought about me going thru everything. So, I guess this is to say, i've been there too, whatever the cause.
ReplyDeleteIt'll get better eventually and you've just got to make it thru tomorrow that's the best goal. Find something, anything that can keep you from thinking about what ever's triggering your feelings (I did logic problems for about 15 minutes a night that gave me a few minutes peace).
Prayers for you and yours.