Musings from the last weeks of pregnancy...

I've got nothing.

I've tried to come up with something to blog about for the last week or so and I've got nothing.

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The last weeks of a pregnancy its hard to think straight, about anything. My thoughts wonder in only a few directions: 1) I'm tired, uncomfortable, and I don't really think I can get up from this position right now, 2) Please Lord help this baby arrive safely and make me delusional enough to get through labour! 3) How am I going to feed four other constantly starving toddlers with a newborn? Peanut butter tubs? Giant cheese wheels?

I know I don't have to explain the last couple weeks of pregnancy to you, I'm under no illusions that I'm the only pregnant woman ever. Everything feels so slow. I'm not sure if its only because of my own physical capabilities or if time really slows down. My days seem to slowly move along, I'm spent and exhausted, and have no desire to go out at all. Groceries seem like something we can live without right?

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I've also completely caved and only eat baked goods for breakfast. And after breakfast. Hardly anything makes me feel as good as eating any sort of baked good for breakfast. I should have been born in Europe. Preferably a baked good with as much butter and cream cheese as possible. I held out so long, yet this will do the most pregnancy damage and be the 5-7 pounds it will take me at least two years to lose! But I'm way past caring. So, so, past caring.

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In a mere matter of time I'm going to have five kids five years and under. That's just bat-shit crazy.

Sometimes when I hear people talking about how strange that it could be God's will that Pope Benedict should choose to resign I think to myself, "Oh right, they've never had 5 kids in 6 years, they probably don't get how crazy God can be."

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A new baby changes everything. And while I know I'll have a completely new routine appear in the next coming weeks I can't seem to picture how things will shake out. I'm a little intimidated, of course, (I should probably be scared shitless) but as my husband and I were talking about it last night, there really isn't too many other people who should be as used to and ready for a newborn as we are. So I'm relying on some sort of newborn muscle memory to kick in. I try not to think about how hard things could be, simply logistically, or dwell on the crazy early hours the boys are starting to wake up at, or how many months it might be till I'm brave enough to take five (5!) kids out by myself. It seems way too daunting right now, and I don't need daunting right now, I need some sort of mind control that forces me to focus on the right now, today, not even a week from now.

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I'd say hands down the most difficult part of this pregnancy for me has been spiritually and emotionally. The spiritual affecting the emotional. Mostly because my whole store of trust in God was put in God giving me a little break and actually having NFP work for us for a change after Max was born last year.  I can't say that my trust has been magically restored in God since then. I know intellectually I should trust in Him, but when I dig deeper I simply don't have any trust.

My weak faith has at least kept me trucking through prayer through this time. I've learned some important things about myself over the course of this pregnancy but I can also say I haven't felt any direct consolation about it either. Not that consolation is necessary to participate in God's will. I've obviously come to more acceptance of God's will, seeing as its hard to avoid an expanding body and wiggling baby in utero.  A perfectly unique child is definitely an inherent good and really in itself is a beautiful sign of God's perfect love and creation and I'm looking forward to meeting a whole new little person. But no personal consolation has come to me really through all my prayers and griping to God, I've just felt the need to keep on going. Trudging through the desert. 40 weeks...40 years...its feeling like the same thing!

 And in a way I now can't imagine consolation. I think this somehow is part of why I have trouble picturing giving birth and having my child actually here. The great joy and relief of finally having your baby out and in your arms is, I think, the most rewarding feeling after such a long time of waiting, hard work, sacrifice, and pain. Somehow though I feel as if I'll never get to that point. I just can't imagine the consolation. Tangible reward. Relief.

I can't imagine not being pregnant. It has just felt so long with such little comfort that its hard to imagine a recovery somehow. I'm not expecting my spiritual issues to be magically resolved and healed somehow just by giving birth, I have a feeling they are things that will be resolved over time and that will only slowly be revealed to me, or so I keep praying! But I do know I will be joyful and thankful to have my baby finally!

I'm not sure if any of that really makes sense. I came to this connection while I was washing dishes yesterday and haven't really unpacked the idea too much, or ran it past my spiritual director who can usually identify my crazy ideas from legit spiritual issues. We'll see what happens.

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Isn't it strange how you're preparing in every way for a baby yet all you feel like you're doing is waiting around?? Talk about a weird paradox. I think that a lot happens emotionally and mentally to a woman in the last days of pregnancy that most people tend to ignore. There is a certain amount of upheaval within what seems to be just waiting. I think it happens underneath the layers of irritability and weariness. Although we're waiting and waiting, the waiting propels us to such a level of readiness that I don't think we could get to on our own through comfort and ease and full nights of sleep. Somehow the crumminess of the last days makes us more than willing to go through what can be a marathon of the newborn days and sleepless nights and changing to a new rhythm.

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Ok, I've gotta go lie like broccoli and try not to eat more cookies.