Drowning my mothering sorrows...

Some days I have to swear to myself that I'm not trying to be terrible at this thing called motherhood.

Nothing terrible has happened to any of my children, not even anything really out of the ordinary. Nothing extraordinary has happened to me, nothing that would "trigger" anything even. There are no difficult circumstances that require heroic levels of mothering superpowers. And yet, here I am feeling uncharacteristically downtrodden about mothering in general and mothering one child in particular.

I do not understand how it can be possible to love a child in all his perfect-ness from his blissfully soft blonde hair to his chubby toes, to his hilarious way of pointing out what makes him happy to his enthusiastic heart, and at the very same time wonder if it will ever be remotely pleasant to live with him.

What I thought was a stage has turned into over a year of very loud, near constant tantrums and screaming. Although his communication is improving, I keep waiting and waiting for the day it isn't exhausting dealing with him.

I know, it's not constant even though it very nearly feels that way. I know his happy moods are wonderful and happen everyday too. But I guess when my mornings and days are filled with moving from one kids fight to helping another to settling another issue here to dealing with constant irrational toddler screaming to helping a fussy baby I wear a bit thin.

It's frustrating when all knowledge of child development and intellectually knowing that it's a two year old you're dealing with, doesn't help you love anymore easily when things get tough. My love turns out to be very limited and constantly succumbs to impatience.

It's so hard on hard days knowing you're not very good at loving. To know your kids are separate from yourself, outside of your control, even at the age of 2. You can't change their stage, or development, or temperament. This remains a truth throughout their entire lives, and will be encountered again and again in this life of motherhood.

Another day, another dose of humility, another cry for grace.

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Mad Men Recap - Field Trip

Well, this was one of those episodes that proves that the words "Betty Draper Francis" are synonymous with "Horrible Mom".

Betty, Betty, Betty. Just when we thought Betty had discovered a little compassion in her life and view of the world in her new marriage and her struggle with weight, we now find her this season looking svelte, yet flashing that venomous glare while lunching with her suburban friend Francine. It's always been clear that Betty doesn't find my joy in being at home with her kids. She's not baking cupcakes with them or trying out the 1969 pinterest craft, she's letting the maid do the homework and the diaper changing while expecting her children to behave perfectly and understand terrible things like their parent's divorce and remarriage, and whatever other emotional upheavals they want to heap on them, without much maternal guidance.

But this week she volunteers to go with lil' Bobby on a field trip to a farm. Bobby appears to be in seventh heaven while soaking up undivided Betty-time on the bus to the farm, discussing his favourite monsters and even eliciting thoughtful responses. At the farm Betty is the cool mom when she volunteers to drink fresh milk straight out of the metal pail. It all seems like some solid Betty parenting until lunch and lil'Bobby trades away Betty's sandwich. In her signature cruelty Betty viciously cuts him down to size for making such a lapse in judgement by trading her sandwich for candy. He offers to get it back for her but Betty prefers the punishment of forcing Bobby to eat his ill-gotten sugar sans enjoyment while enduring her dagger eyes which are only slightly shielded by a pair of gorgeous sunglasses. Betty furthers her punishment of Bobby at home, blaming him for ruining a nice day out. Bobby's crushed face is heartbreaking as he says staring to his forlorn meatloaf "I just wish it were yesterday."

The crux of Betty is that she is so self-absorbed with such a deep wound of needing constant love and attention from others that she cannot even see that she may be required to love others in return. She asks Francis, "Why don't they love me?" She views her children as bottomless love ATM's, that must continually feed her need for love. She is so blinded by her own selfishness she doesn't even see the very obvious pain of Bobby after his precious time with his mom has been ruined. Matthew Weiner defends Betty a lot, and usually makes the point that we're just like her. And he's right. We are just like her in that we have the same human falleness that makes us see people as objects and in terms of how much they can give us, even if what they're giving is love. We all have the wound that seeks love, that wants to be filled; but this desire is never met when we're trying to fill it with other people. In another sense the American housewife of the 1950's would have been unfulfilled just like Betty if she was seeking constant affirmation and love for her children, using her children to demand they make her feel good at all times, looking to them as her sole source of happiness just like a stay at home mom would today. Again, it's difficult to see our own issues with these sins when January Jones has such an impeccable ability to be so cold, unfeeling, and biting. Betty is a helluva character.

This episode was played deftly between Betty's storyline and Don's. It has the effect of mirroring them and it played well especially because we could make comparisons to mistakes they both made in their marriage to each other, and how they can be put in new situations but still be unable to see what is really required of them.

Don again flies to L.A., this time at the behest of Golden Girl Megan's agent who reports she may need some extra babysitting because she's been crying in front of directors in the face of rejection. Don arrives at Megan's and then there is I-missed-you-sex, accusations, some father issues tossed around, and finally Don telling her he's effectively been fired. Megan doesn't understand the lying, but even more so that Don would be choosing to sit home alone and not live with her in L.A. and she tells him they're finished.

I'm not sure if this is the end of their relationship. Megan is clearly a worldly, capable woman who doesn't seem to be dependent on Don. She's also so smart when it comes to understanding how men work, and how to best use a situation for her advantage that I find it hard to believe she's having a tough time in LA even though I really, really, really want to her to be having a tough time. I thought Jessica Pare's acting this episode was some of the best I've seen from her. I don't even know if Don will attempt to fight for this marriage. Can he deal with rejection again after he took it so badly from the apartment mistress (I can't remember her name for the life of me.) last season?

Don flies back to New York with renewed energy to get back to work. Personal rejection and issues seem to propel him back to his job where he's fed his ego before. He even storms the tower of Roger Sterling who says he should just show up on Monday. But Don showing up at SC&P on Monday proves even more awkward than Betty in a pastoral setting with innocent farm animals around. Everyone is in shock Don would even show his face, secretaries are on damage control trying to find the partners, the terrible Lou is fuming, Peggy holes herself up in her office, and Don is forced to hang out with the underling creatives. It is a marvellously awkward situation.

All the New York partners aside from Roger seem to want Don gone. The only thing holding them back is being unable to buy out his partnership. Jim Cutler's plan to get rid of done completely seems to be put on hold, although even Joan seems to want Don banished forever. The partners come back to Don offering him a compromise of letting him come back to work but under really tough and almost humiliating circumstances. He's even going to be answering to Captain Mediocrity himself, Lou. This deal seemed so bad, on so many levels I was expecting a giant "F--- You!" delivered in Don Draper deadpan but instead he answers "Okay." I'm hoping that the sly twinkle in his eye when he spoke his answer means Don has a plan to come back with a vengeance. He worked his way up once before, and he now seeks some type of professional redemption at the office where he has spectacularly flopped in front of everyone. I really want to see some advertising bad-assery as Don takes back his reputation and his company somehow. It all feels as if I'm cheering for the anti-hero to become a traditional hero somehow. So that must mean Weiner is going in a completely opposite direction.

I liked how this episode is spinning everything and everyone around once again, and a new Mad Men will emerge.

Some quick notes:

• Harry Crane is back. He is such an ass, yet he seems to be doing terrifically well. He's even telling Jim Cutler to take a hike. He seems to prefigure today's social media experts in being able to use numbers and perception more important than substance.
• Joan - wow, not a lot of loyalty left for Don. He's been awful to her in the past, and his attempts to help her out have often come as too little, too late. But she was very quick to give him the boot.
• Speaking of Joan's boots: She looked so good this episode, and her patterned dress with the large collar looked professional and a tad bit more trendy than Joan usually wears. Her boots were amazing.
• Betty also looked stellar in every scene. The patterned dress and matching jacket she wore to the farm was a beautiful colour and looked like a million bucks. Although, it was so hilarious to wear to a farm. I also really liked the blue wrap dress she wore.
• I was expecting Neve Campbell to somehow show up on Don's flight...
• I enjoyed how Ginsberg and the other creative boys still seemed to both like and respect Don when no one else does.  

I'm off to enjoy some gum drops.

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A Church that is still alive :: Weekends with Chesterton

I believe St. John Paul II would agree with you G.K.

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Seven Quick Takes vol. 86

Yay! Jen's book comes out Tuesday!
And if Amazon.ca and it's epically long delivery of pre-ordered items keeps me from winning a prize...

{one}

If spring has come to where you are please say hello for me, because the weather here is far from being okay. Easter Monday was warm, sunny and beautiful - just to taunt us with feelings of spring. Tuesday was very windy and not very pleasant. Wednesday rained/snowed the entire day. Yesterday no precipitation but dreary and not warm. Today; flakes of snow and a freezing wind. It all equals un-springlike weather. 

{two}

On the windy day this week we flew the kites the bigs got in their Easter baskets. They were twitter-pated with excitement, especially Gemma to whom kite flying must be a major item on the ol' bucket list. 

It went reasonably well, as I was helping three small children fly kites from the dollar store all at once. It involved a lot of running around on my part helping the kites get back off the ground when they would inevitably crash down, so I counted it as my workout for the day. And again I thanked the good Lord that I don't have any neighbours to witness my crazed flailing about chasing kites as three small people stood very still holding string.

{three}

I'm sure I'm the only one slightly jealous of those in my Facebook feed who are in Rome this week. Just a little. No big deal. 

Ah! What a wonderful weekend to be there and be present for such an exciting day! There's just nothing quite like the excitement of a big Church celebration. Like World Youth Day or a canonization, it's not like anything else. I wish I could describe it properly because this is a terrible job of it, but it really has to be experienced in person just once, then the rest of your life when these things happen you feel the same butterflies and joy springing up even though it's happening half a world away because it really is happening for all of us, everywhere. 

Thinking about how big and awesome the Church is makes me all goose-bumpy!

{four}

I've been wanting to write something about JP2 for a while now but the more I think about it the more I don't know how to put it into words really. It's hard to explain the impact of someone you grew up with and who was your first experience of saintly holiness. That's what I think of when I think of him. I saw him twice at World Youth Days, once in Rome and here in Canada, and even from the distance I saw him from, I could feel the physical holiness of the man. I feel that was my first impression of him from my childhood as well, before I knew of what really great things he did in his lifetime and before I studied his writings later, his holiness.

Later when I studied his writings I'm fairly certain that would be the point at which I as an adult realized and appreciated that the Church was it. It was the truth, it had the answer. His writings were so clear, so vivid, so inspiring in a way that you did not experience elsewhere. He expressed the truth in so many directions. It was as if in reading him you were pelleted all over with perfect nuggets of truth in an overwhelming way.  

Sunday will be a beautiful day.

{five}

I've also been meaning to mention this wonderful book on John Paul II that was sent to me by Ignatius Press. It's a very well done graphic novel that covers almost the whole of John Paul's life. The illustrations are really vivid, and the story of his life and faith is well presented. My boys are captivated by it already, even though I think it's a little old for them just yet, but for boys ages 8 and up I think it would be a huge hit! Dom and Luke are now talking about "the bad-guy-Nazis" and "bad-guy-communists" and I overhear them having arguments over when "John Paul became a bishop after the Nazis not before".  So I'm chalking that up for a homeschool win. 

{six}

There have been some great reads this week, here's some of my faves:

A Culture of Extraordinary - This was written by Stacy London from What Not to Wear, and as I'm a devoted fan to that show I had to read it, but I was blown away at how well written this essay is on fame, our social media culture, and how we should think about it. If you read one thing this week you've gotta read this.

The Madness of Matthew Weiner - I just read this article in The Atlantic on Matthew Weiner even though it's been out for a month. The guy is more intriguing than Mad Men. Which is saying something.

How Did Canada's Middle Class Get So Rich - So I didn't know we had the richest middle class. Although I'd say it's fairly evident in my area. If you've ever wondered the difference between Canada and the States right now this is a good summation.

The Last Woman Who Ever Thought She'd Have Five Kids - Kelly's post this week was so good! And so true for all of us who've had more than 2.5 kids and the daily comments. 

{seven}

I had the most wonderful trip to the liquor store yesterday. It was the most relaxing part of my day and I wasn't even drinking any of the wares. Does anyone else go to the liquor store and end up staying for 30 minutes of blissful browsing? Is this a sign of a problem?? I had run out of wine on Easter Sunday so it was a necessary trip. I'm now stocked up on great beer and wine so come over for a drink! 

Hope you all have a great weekend!

---

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Mad Men recap - A Day's Work

It's Valentine's Day on Mad Men and there's secretaries and flowers everywhere.

This episode was full of hilarious scenes that echo a sitcom-like feel but also had a few tender moments that surprised me. The conference call was almost slap-stick funny, and Pete in Ted's office bemoaning his ladder-climbing impotence while Ted didn't even look up from his work was classic. I think my favourite line would be Stan to Peggy regarding 12 long stem red roses: "I didn't think your cats could afford it." There was a lot of Coffeemate floating around too. Which always grosses me out.

Out of the several themes explored in this episode I really enjoyed the secretary/boss relationships and how they contrasted the selfish, egocentric attitudes of the bosses to those of the maligned secretaries who have to navigate the office while maintaining their own self respect. Dear Dawn has it rough with the ever-more-nasty Lou. He is turning out to be a complete ogre as he is first completely unhelpful and awful to teenage Sally who came to the office just looking for her dad. He then unjustly reams out Dawn in front of Joan because he didn't want to have to deal with Sally or share Dawn with Don(so many Don/Dawns), even though Dawn was out using her lunch break to shop for his wife's Valentine's perfume. Dawn standing up for herself was one of those great Mad Men scenes where small triumphs in the office world are so satisfying.

Peggy meanwhile is having an awful Valentine's. She makes the misstep of assuming roses sitting on her secretary Shirley's desk were for her - and from Ted Chaough no less. She's at first flattered, then miffed, then spends the rest of the day obsessed/mooning about the disaster that is her love life. But Peggy then takes it out on Shirley making an uncomfortable situation for them both even more painful, accusing Shirley of somehow rubbing the flowers in her face, flaunting her engagement ring. In other words, trodding upon Shirley in a completely unprofessional manner just like Lou because she's so wrapped up in herself she's oblivious to another person. Peggy shows a painful pang of regret after losing it on Shirley; it's had to be tough to remember her own days of being a secretary, humbly serving Don and realize that she used to be in that same powerless position. To think of how sorry we were feeling for Peggy last episode, now here we're disappointed in her even though we know she's terribly lonely.

In the middle of the secretary drama is Joan, feeling the brunt of the miffed, immature egos of Lou and Peggy demanding removal of their hardworking Girl Fridays. Joan has dealt with this office-cum-preschool behaviour for so many years she is unsurprised but still revolted. She's trying to seamlessly address everyone's preferences even unto the point of Bert Cooper complaining about Dawn's presence at the front desk, his racism expressed bluntly in full buffoonery. Jim, who seems the only man who's caught on to the idea that Joan performs two jobs, offers her an accounts office upstairs and suggests she gives the tedious job of personnel managing to someone else. Well played Jim. Joan has been waiting for someone to finally see her hard work and will be more likely to help Jim out if/when his cunning Machiavellian plans ever play out. Joan moving upstairs brings about the other happy ending of Dawn inheriting Joan's captaincy of the secretaries and her own office. Yay Dawn!

Let's talk secretary costuming for a moment: Shirley's floral mini-dress and black patent boots outfit was amazing. I can't believe that was work appropriate in 1969, but she looked smokin'. Shirley is obviously very into trend and fashion. Her makeup is also a treat as it's pretty splashy for the office, it shows again the era of the burgeoning 70's where disco glam was everyday cool even at work. Joan is a redhead who looks stunning in red, her beautiful suit with sheer sleeves was another feat for Janie Bryant. Dawn dresses for practicality, and clearly isn't a fashion plate, but I found her big collar entertaining. The other secretaries in the office are all put in printed suits which are always interesting.

Pete played a comical counterpoint to all this, he's a bit rudderless this season as he is out in LA, (and only yelling at his secretary as he asks her about "the contraption"). He feels defeated and unappreciated by the New York office even though he's snagged a big account of car dealerships. His ego isn't being fed the way it has in the past which he lived and worked for his whole life on the east coast. He's still looking for the job and it's perks to give him satisfaction and personal worth. Of course, Ted Chaough thinks this is ridiculous and that's why he doesn't even look up from his desk during Pete's tirade, that or he hears it ten times a day. Pete keeps getting knocked around yet refuses to let go of what the world is trying to sell: that you can only find happiness in money, status, and power. He's got it all, even though he can't really move up in LA. He just seems to refuse to develop even a sliver of introspection as is seen in how he creepily tries to get his blonde realtor girlfriend to drop her open house for his hotel room.

Sally is back in this episode and I'm happy to see her. I've always enjoyed Sally, even through her bratty stages. (I want to grow up to be Kiernan Shipka.) You can say a lot about Sally, but growing up with her parents she has a keen nose for the truth and can't be fooled easily. In this episode she is forced to seek help from Don and he has to drive her back to her school. The painful car ride and conversation is difficult to watch, Sally's been dealing with Don's indiscretions for a while now and you can read on her face how it's been eating her up inside. Don at first attempts to lie again, loop around the truth, then challenges Sally's own behaviour which no longer has any pull with her. Her insight into how embarrassing his lies are clearly strike a cord with Don. Their dinner finally breaks the ice, and shows how Sally can identify the truth when she hears it and how she accepts the truth for what it is. Don also says how he wishes Sally didn't have to go to a funeral, another version of shielding Sally from the truth albeit less deceitfully. Don trying to dine and dash was a glimpse at how he can almost be a good parent when he wants to be. The heartwarming ending of Sally saying "I love you" to Don as she leaves was one of the best scenes this show has ever had. A beautiful glimpse of the real love Don has been fruitlessly searching for his entire life, and how tragically he has been missing it in the life of his children.

Bullet points:

• Roger and Jim- Jim's buttering up Roger, but I doubt Roger is buying it.
• Roger and Joan - He bought her flowers for Valentine's day from their son! Sweet! Hope for future??
• Don - Watching tv all day trying to find inspiration while sharing his dark apartment with roaches. De-pressing. He's gotta get his groove back.
• I need more Stan and Ginsberg!
• Anyone got a crochet pattern for Sally's hat? Because I'm going to make it!
• Does anyone miss Betty?

What did you think of this week's episode? I'd hate to think of you as an adversary.

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Alleluia, it's Easter!

Happy Easter one and all! He is Risen!

I haven't peppered you with kid photos in ever so long, so buckle up, here's a little of our Easter weekend.

It snowed all day Good Friday. I'm sure we had over 6 inches. Completely white out and lots of heavy wet snow that was melting as it came down so we probably received more. So back out came the mitts and hats I had washed and locked up. And we tried to make some lemonade out of lemons, we build a snow bunny! Doesn't it feel like spring?

Holy Saturday we dyed eggs at my mom and dad's house with my brother and sisters. The kids have fully embraced this tradition and it is a big deal. Luke really hit his stride this year and was dying about a dozen per minute. 

Some of the finished product. My mom found those cute icon-like shrink wraps at a dollar store. Some were laughably photoshop, and some were actually very pretty. My sister and I were making Iconoclasm jokes as the kids accidentally cracked them. Because we're Church history nerds. 

Easter baskets on Sunday morning! The kids love that the Easter Bunny hid eggs full of jelly beans and chocolate all around the house to find. Nora was fairly impressed with the excitement.

I make everyone wear bunny ears. Gemma is already regretting this photo.

My siblings make another large outdoor Easter egg hunt for the kids on Sunday afternoon and it's unbridled happy chaos for them. It passes in a blue of running around and calling dibs on eggs. The snow melted completely Saturday, then yesterday it was raining and drizzling for most of the day.

We also ate a lot of chocolate.

Our only Easter Mass was Sunday evening at 5. The most un-Easter feeling time of day. I'm beginning to feel as if I live in Catholic dispersia. But we were all happy for Mass, and even though everyone had eaten their body weight in chocolate all day everyone was miraculously well behaved. 

Hope you're all having a blessed time of celebration, and remember -- Easter lasts 50 days so don't feel bad about eating more mini eggs!

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Finding Time to Read in the Nitty Gritty - The Bookish Mum

We're back talking about how to love reading and books as a mom, the first part of this series on why we should keep reading can be found here.

Now for the tough part -- actually figuring out when to read while you're cleaning up messes, nursing babies, containing meltdowns, and making supper in a haze of exhaustion from no sleep at night!

You don't need free hours - but stolen minutes add up faster than you think

Before we begin practicing new habits in our daily routine it's easy to believe we need to clear out empty blocks of time in order to do accomplish one more thing. But what happens more often than not is that we can accomplish and enjoy things even in small amounts of time. This is definitely a skill I've gotten better at since becoming a mom, and in some ways it necessitates a letting go of ideals of perfection we may have, and only tackling things we can finish properly.

We don't need to expect that reading requires endless free hours to devout to thick, impressive books. Sometimes all we can manage is to read five minutes here, five minutes there. Maybe instead of picking up the phone as the kids play outside we read a few pages of a novel. These few minutes add up to pages, then chapters, then books faster than we'd think. As little as ten or fifteen minutes a day spent reading can refresh your mind and see you through a good book faster than you'd think.

If we want to be successful at building a routine of reading everyday it's best to look at your day and the demands of your kids and babies and find the spot where it is typically easiest to get a couple minutes to yourself. Of course every day changes, and you don't have to read every day, but if the routine of reading is built into your normal day you'll find it easier to read and build the habit of reading books into your life. Just like in prayer when we turn our minds to God at regular times, our prayer life then becomes much easier, so too any other habit that we wish to get better. If a regular time of day allows you to sit, sip a warm drink, enjoy some peace and quiet (or as close as you can get) while reading you'll feel much more successful.

For many moms nursing a baby provides a good time to sit. If you're driving kids to and fro and have to wait in a car -- bring a book. Maybe you have a built in relaxation time of a hot bath after the kids are in bed-- that is a perfect time to read. Or those twenty minutes the kids are enjoying a little screen time could be devoted to reading instead of folding laundry. Sometimes we need to reorganize that chores come second to caring for ourselves when we have peaceful time in our day. There will always be laundry, but the precious commodity of quiet time needs to be spent in the way it serves you best. It's your best bang for you mama buck, so to speak!

These are just some ways to help you discover time you might not have thought of, but it really depends upon what suits you best. I get a little squirrely if I don't read even a little every day, I usually manage to fit in a couple minutes in the afternoon during my mandated quiet time for the kids while the babies nap when I'm not out of the house, but I always read before going to bed. I'm a major creature of habit and I've found if I don't read in bed I can't fall asleep anyway -- my nerdiness impacts my sleep.

Don't worry if you're not plowing through books at a harrowing pace. Sometimes it takes me months to finish a book, but the time spent reading it was much more rewarding than the end goal of a finished novel.

Read what you love with no guilt

I know most of us moms are brilliant. We've got degrees, we've got blogs, we've got past jobs where we worked circles around other people, we may still be working circles around people and so we feel as if we should be reading "Important Books" all the time. But the beauty of being at home, being our own bosses of our days (my two year old just laughed at me typing that), and being able to freely pursue what we love means that we can choose to use our reading time and our minds on what we find the most enjoyable, not just what seems practical.

Do you love young adult fiction? What about favourites from your own childhood? If you're a fan of mysteries or thrillers, then by all means start reading them! There's nothing wrong in giving yourself the time to relax and enjoy the light-hearted beach read or the science fiction you'll never admit to reading.

If we're going to feed our souls with the wonder and inspiration that comes from story, then reading should bring us joy -- not a feeling of burden. Choose to read what brings your heart happiness.

These tips aren't groundbreaking, but I think that these three ideas of appreciating the small, short moments we can use for reading, building a routine of reading into our day, and reading what we love are the easiest ways of picking up reading again or reading more as a mom in the midst of a busy day. What works best for you? Or, what doesn't work at all? I'd love to hear about your experiences!

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