Self-Entitlement or First World Spiritual Problems

This may be simply a symptom of my non-existent prayer life right now because I haven't exactly carved out much time for contemplation these days.

(Oh, but there are jokers on the internet who say "just get up before your kids to pray" to which I say which one? The one who wants to nurse at 3 am, 5 am, 7 am? Or the toddlers who are awake for the day before 6 am? Or the other jokers who think "you're home all day its the perfect time in life to focus on your prayer life" to which I say, were these people mothers to human children??)

I've had this gnawing and encroaching concept of self-entitlement seeping into my thoughts lately. But what's really scaring me is that this idea is creeping into my attitude towards prayer, Church in general, and when push comes to shove God.

Obviously our whole culture is constantly blaring messages of self-entitlement. And we've been used to pushing against this, buy less, accumulate less. But spiritually this idea seems a lot more insidious. I've noticed lately that my thoughts have been almost defaulting to a point of, "But I already do this and this...can't I just get a break God...you owe me!" But what have I done? Nothing. If simply living the life God has given me full of a ridiculous amount of blessings that I routinely dismiss, as well as some sufferings He thinks I can handle yet moan and complain about aplenty, what have I done thats been so earth-shaking that's changed the way God handles what goes on in the world? Have I really taken a load off of God's shoulders somehow? I think not.

I feel especially toad-worthy when I think about all the truly difficult things people I know are going through. People who have less than me are everywhere. And yes, even people with less children and people who are dependent on them for food and diaper changes have problems too.

I can't figure out what it is I really want anyway. Just for everything to be easy? All difficulty and push-back to be done away with? My own faults to magically disappear? I think sometimes I just want the difficulty of spiritual improvement to stop. I get tired of trying to be better, or even trying to do the everyday without completely failing and/or committing those pesky, repetitive common sins.  I wonder sometimes if the Christian life is so difficult not because it requires the heroic but simply a life well lived. A life well lived which needs thought and love behind action. Not a life spent cruising from screen to screen, experience to experience, comfort to comfort.

So I'm set on the path of trying to recognize my thoughts as soon as they go to self-entitlement land. And maybe if I recognize them I'll combat them with a small prayer of thanksgiving for all the good I really have! That would be a small miracle in itself.

A whole lotta Sacramental Grace going on!

We've got a full-fledged sinless baby in our midst!

We finally had Nora baptized yesterday, the Feast of the Body and Blood of Christ,  and now I feel as if a large burden of parental duty has finally been released and I can rest safely knowing my baby is "in"! But honestly, I couldn't help but feel good knowing that my baby is now part of our huge, crazy yet beyond interesting, holy yet complex Church while at the same time receiving the very personal graces through the sacrament. I love knowing that she's in God's hands and not just mine, phew we're all thankful for that!

Here she is pre-washed-clean-from sin, although she doesn't look it does she!

Is there anything cuter than a baby in a knitted bonnet? I think not.

This is the best family shot we could muster. I'm pretty happy we got all of us together in a photo to be honest.

And heres the rest of me familia. Can you get over the range of bizarro expressed we make? 

I won't go into behavioural grades because lets just say I failed. Emotional breakdown was I! And I wore a sleeveless dress! 

We partied and barbecued and drank margaritas all day yesterday with family! A fun party celebrating a beautiful sacrament and a beautiful baby! And today and completely exhausted and have barely moved from the couch. We're about to have a dinner consisting of popcorn and raspberries.

I'm linking up this party with the FLAP and Grace's Sunday Best party - go see them! 

Reviewing A Wild Surge of Guilty Passion by Ron Hansen

I haven't written about books in such a long time I miss it. Since Nora's been born I've hardly read any fiction but have read a couple of great non-fiction books (My Sisters the Saints: A Spiritual Memoir and Happier at Home) because for some reason I find it easier to read a non-fiction book if I can't find time to read every day. I also read a stack of easy-to-read but not-much-to-write-about fiction in the last month or two of pregnancy because all I could do was lie around. But finally a great novel to write about!

Ron Hansen is one of the today's best Catholic writers. His past books have delved into stories that appear to be more "Catholic" than others such as Mariette in Ecstasy and Exiles mostly because they centre upon confirmed Catholic characters. But what is common in all of Ron Hansen's eight novels is the historic contexts in which his stories are set. He has a canny ability to tell a tale that happened in a specific era while not alienating or burdening the reader like so much other historical fiction. Hansen seamlessly blends the time period with the plot and characters. He does the same with the theological themes which also characterize his work. With Mariette in Ecstasy he explores the fine line between the mystical and the psychological aspects of faith, in Exiles the problem of suffering for faith. In his latest novel, A Wild Surge of Guilty Passion the consequences of sin permeate the telling of the crime and trial of Ruth Snyder and Judd Gray from the roaring twenties.

Ruth Snyder a young yet glamorous housewife and mother who lacks much moral character enters into what seems to be simple affair with a corset salesmen she happens to meet named Judd Gray. The affair seems harmless at first, Judd however begins to feel the compulsion to stop the adultery due to his church-going even though he is also in a loveless and staid marriage himself. But soon the affair escalates in intensity, especially in Ruth's influence and control over Judd emotionally and sexually. Soon Ruth has convinced Judd that she is trapped in an abusive marriage and that the only way the two can pursue their passionate and carnal relationship with each other is to kill Ruth's husband Albert. Of course, Ruth has also gone to the length of taking out one, two, or three extra terms of life insurance on her husband. Judd is reluctant, increasingly dependent upon alcohol, but finally gives in and joins Ruth in killing her husband. What follows is one of the first crime trials covered in detail by the media. Every lurid detail of the couple's affair was divulged, and scorned, but it led to a certain celebrity cache for both Judd and especially Ruth, the first femme fatale, and began a fascination with lust and crime that with which the media has been infatuated ever since.

Hansen's prose is always beautifully straight forward. His simplicity is crafted perfectly in that it pulls the reader completely into the story and historic time period while not wasting a word yet not plunging the reader into pages of irrelevant context in order to describe the historic setting. A Wild Surge of Guilty Passion is a great example of this skill as the story moves swiftly through the illicit relationship to the crime itself bringing the reader deeper than what would seem simply biographical. Hansen's subtly is something I enjoy a lot. Where an author would be tempted to go heavy handedly in a specific dramatic scene Hansen always applies a deft hand, the drama and intensity of the scene can sometimes overtake the reader because of this application. His skill is at its height in any death scene, I still remember the chills I felt when reading certain portions of Exiles, and in this novel the ending was both intense and tragically written.

The overall undercurrent of the book however, is sin and its effects. What begins as a one time encounter becomes a full fledged affair between Ruth and Judd. The sexual relationship between the two becomes almost out of control. Soon murder is talked about casually, then seriously, then planned and committed. The gradual escalation from the sin of lust to murder happens all too easily for the characters.

Hansen's storytelling makes the slippery slope from initial lust to entertaining ideas of murder almost seamless. Its as if the characters lose all prespective on reality outside of their temptuous relationship. They become increasingly obsessed with each other and their sexual assignations. As mortal sin cuts us off from sanctifying grace it in turn also skews our view of reality. We lose our perception towards what is right, things seem upside-down. In consequence one seemingly minor sin leads to a greater sin which leads to committing actions which would previously been unthinkable. The connection between lust and murder is not as wide a chasm as one would think as this story proves.

Because the crime was so ill-conceived the police arrested the couple almost immediately and the newspapers descended on what would be a hugely publicized trial for the time. Movie stars even attended the trial. But Hansen depicts this part of the story in a fascinating way as well. Ruth is still extremely volatile, never claiming responsibility, constantly changing her story, showing no signs of remorse or even the acknowledgement of the seriousness of the crime she has committed.  She does however, convert to the Catholic Church, misguidedly wearing a rosary in the courtroom. Her interior state remains uncertain even up until she faces the electric chair, but the idea of her possible remorse and redemption is an idea that Hansen does not let the reader forget. Judd goes to the opposite extreme and ends up penning a memoir exhorting others to use his mistakes as a warning against sin, preaching to his fellow inmates. Hansen subtly brings up these ideas of the spiritual complexion of the two murderers during the trial and subsequent jail time in a way that raises questions about forgiveness and redemption in the reader.

What makes a good Catholic novel is not that the characters themselves are Catholic. Nor even if the story involves churches, Bibles, conversions or priests as is the case in so many "Christian" books. What makes a good Catholic novel is the exploration of the great truths of life the Church has always held fast, like sin and the forgiveness of sins, through different stories from creative and imaginative writers. Ron Hansen remains one of the best Catholic novelists with this most recent work.

wiws-I'm still alive!

So its been months since I've linked up with the FLAP ladies, I fell off the wagon to have a baby and then spared everyone my postpartum "outfits".

I  called those postpartum outfits "dark sack #1" and "dark sack #2". But yesterday I actually went to a little effort for Mass and thought I should at least document all that effort!

I think this could be my worst photo shoot ever. 

But it was a beautiful, post rainy day night.

And I had a beer.

See? I'm a terrible model. Thank goodness there were no close-ups.

And I definitely coulda used some heels but instead opted for the leopard print flats because they're uber-comfy and for some reason I still haven't mastered carrying a horrible baby car seat in anything else but flats...geezz Christy...five babies and you still haven't figured that out??!!

I look much more tipsy than I really was.

Do I think this outfit would be much better if I was 10-15 lbs of pregnancy weight free? Most definitely. But life is also too short to keep wearing dark sacks post preggo. 

Happy Trinity Sunday everyone! One of my favourite feasts, I think because I just love the mystery of the Trinity. Still completely mysterious to me and I've sat through quite a few theology classes on it. But I like that, I like knowing I'll never really get it. I like knowing God is a trinity of persons! 

This was my first Sunday back at the helm of doing music at Mass once again. The husband gets an A for effort with keeping 5 kids in line while I'm at the organ. We somewhat joke about the fact that we need to put five-point harnesses in our pew to keep our kids in line. Max only escaped the pew once and shot across the front of the church to St. Joseph. Nora slept thank goodness. And the other three only fought a menial amount of times. So that was all probably one giant miracle. 

Seven Quick Takes vol. 44?

Joining Jen-with-a-Publisher this week for the Quick Takes. Can't wait for her book...

{one}

I survived another week! But in actuality I really only survived 1 day. Which is kinda awesome! It was the long weekend so the husband was home Monday which was a nice change of pace, Tuesday was the only full day I had with all the kids, then Wednesday the grandparents came out to pick up the three oldest for a little grandparent trip to the city for two days! Its nice for them to get out, because I'm still not there yet. I honestly don't know when I'll be at the point of taking all five out by myself for no good reason, like "socializing" or "activities". We can all hope it happens within the next six months, but I'm not going to sign anything to that effect!

{two}

Also in the "not getting out" category-I'm still pretty hindered by the nursing infant. It takes so much energy and organization it seems to always have her fed and ready to go if I want to do anything at all. I'm fairly used to this (see 5 kids in 5 years) but it still is so tiring! I can hardly get to the city and go to Costco in a day what with the nursing before we leave, nursing as soon as we get to the city, nursing before we leave the city, it seems like a lot and I get so little done, and I'm so tired by the end of the day! I know I know...I could pump...but ick...I hate it, I hate the thought of it...and then my husband said well if you really wanted to go out and have a couple hours of alone time you'd pump...but I'm back to ick. So breastfeeding. The longest love/hate relationship of my life. 

{three}

At the same time I know I'm not getting out much or doing much of anything I still try to put it in perspective that my baby is only two months old. I think its important to realize that newborn life is important. It changes your schedule, it changes what you can do, but its important. You're home, you're focused on just getting through the day taking care of your baby (and other babies) as best you can and that's about it. You are focusing on a tiny new life that just recently exited the womb where it was growing intensely for nine months. You have to get to know your little baby. Their personality, their needs, their weird sleep patterns. And the baby is adapting to you, and everyone, and life outside the womb! I just think its a big deal. It shouldn't be something that doesn't cause disruption. It should be revered and not something where a mom/family feels pressure to be back up to 100% productivity and busy-ness. 

End rant.

{four}

Ana had a beautiful post yesterday on mothering babies close in age.

It made such great points that a crazy life brings a lot more benefits and offers a lot of opportunities for personal growth than the alternative. I think more than anything being a mom, and especially a mom to a lot of babies very close in age, offers constant opportunity to grow in humility. I don't think a day goes by where I don't come face to face my own tiny limitations. I realize daily that I can't love unconditionally in every moment, I need help, I need to learn to accept grace to love. I realize I make a lot of mistakes, I get angry, I have no patience, I'm lazy. Humility begins when you see your own faults and brings you to just asking God for more grace, relying on God more.

Humility is like the gateway virtue. Its the one that gets you on the path of developing all the other virtues. And being a mom to a bunch of babies definitely gets you growing a lot more virtues than you thought possible! Fortitude-try living days then months with a screaming baby who never sleeps at night. You'd think it impossible until you get through it with your own child. Patience? Try listening all day to your three year old ask about 1000 questions. Wisdom? How about the realization that your child may not be at the same pace as other kids their age in some stage of development, but trusting your heart in the knowledge that your child will be just fine, give them time. The list could go on all day! And although I'm in no way perfect in any or all virtues, I'd be so much worse at developing them without being a mom. My heart would be so much smaller.

{five}

Since this 7 quick takes is turning into a parenting book I should send you to this post by Haley that I loved this week about the smug mom syndrome.

 Thank goodness God sent me two very colic-y/difficult infants to begin my mothering career! I was instantly put in my place as soon as I had a baby! No smug-ness for me! But I also remember sooo many days AND nights crying and crying through such difficult baby times. It is such a rough ride when you have babies who cry all. the. time. Until you experience it you really don't understand how soul-crushing it can feel. 

{six}

Another great thing about having kids close together is the built-in entertainment of siblings! Case in point Max the last two days the older kids have been gone. He's been wandering the house looking for things to destroy then miserably searching for me. He doesn't quite know what to do with himself without his older siblings providing endless entertainment options, even if those options are just rolling on the ground wrestling. He seems a little lost. And he's driving me a little crazy! But he is getting a little more mommy time and has been having such a great time this week outside. I just let him wander and its kinda hilarious. He walks around like a funny drunkard. No straight lines. Plopping down in dirt. Throwing rocks. Throwing moose poop. I probably shouldn't let him do that last one.

{seven}

I'm looking forward to and hoping that it rains this weekend! I love rain. Alberta is classified as sub-arid I think so rain is few and far between and its been awfully dry so far this May. And I really don't know why I comment so much on the weather...so boring for you...But since its raining this weekend and my husband and I don't get out...see above...I would love some tv show recommendations! We watch all the good shows, but have we missed something? What are your favourites? And keep in mind I've got peasant rural internet and can't afford to stream anything, so I'm dying a little on the inside not being able to watch Arrested Development this weekend on Netflix!

Happy long weekend my American friends! 

Five Favs

Linking up with Hallie!

I apologize in advance for the random randomness. How many weeks postpartum does it take to have complete thoughts again??

1.

My new glasses! 

I just love glasses. I've had contacts and I just don't like them that much. I've liked glasses since before they were cool. So I have multiple pairs...I've been meaning to get a nice cat-eye pair and these were the winners. Cat eye, but not too cat eye. Apparently to the toddler eye these are "mean lady" glasses though. So I'm sure some cartoon is responsible for this type of fashion stereotyping...

2.

The weather.

The weather has been fantabulous. I love spring! The trees have also started to come out here and its that beautiful new-leaf-green everywhere and I love it. And the children run free outside without the hideous restraints of snowsuits or any kind of clothing...

But it hasn't rained so now we need to start praying for that...are you listening weather??

3.

Jan Brett books. 

This has been "school" for the past few weeks. They're so well illustrated and the stories are just right for my age group. As in 3-6. The retold fairy tales are really well done I think. I most definitely need to expose Gemma to fairy tales other than Disney! She complained that Beauty in Jan Brett's version had blonde hair instead of brown "like the movie", to which I responded "EXPAND YOUR MIND KID!" I know, I was born to homeschool my children. 

We've been reading Goldilocks and the Three Bears, Hedgie's Surprise, Beauty and the Beast, and Comet's Nine Lives. 

4. 

Not Being Pregnant.

Is it awful to admit this is one of my favourite things?? I don't mean this to mean that pregnancy is bad. But when you've been pregnant for the majority of the past 6 years not being pregnant and being able to drink a margarita for your birthday is awesome! I admit it!!

5.

This dish soap.

So its a known fact that I buy things according to the quality of its scent so I'm fully on board with this Method dish soap...the scent is Tomato Vine which sounds kinda gross but smells like the garden and it makes washing dishes amazing... Pssaah! Of course it doesn't but it does make it smell pleasant. 

Does the fact I'm talking about dish soap earn me a "I Need A Personality" badge??

Seven Quick Takes vol. 43 - Let's Complain!

Joining Jen in the complain-a-thon! And I love it!
I'm sure everyone else has much worse things to complain about so go join the pity party!

{one}

In breaking news this week-all I do is take care of children!! 

I know. Totally not news. But I swear this week its been getting to me. Its the all night, all day of constantly doing stuff for them thats really starting to bring me down. And constantly is not even a stretch, not even one little bit. The past few days I feel as if its all kids, all the time - barely managing to get to the bathroom type stuff.
I've got the newborn who demands nourishment from my body every three hours, then I've got to get to the 16 month old who can't do anything for himself (lets face it) and who is constantly destroying something or making some kind of mess, then I bounce to the three year old who is constantly coming up with new and elaborate plans to involve as many siblings as possible in as many hair-brained ideas in a game of "lets see how much we can do until mom decides to discipline", add in the four year old who is constantly tattling on others, a five year old who never stops asking questions or for explanations for her imaginary world that only she really knows the answer to, and you've got me who didn't stand a chance from the start.

But it really is going from one situation to the next while simultaneously containing the others. All day. No breaks. Exhausting. Its mothering at a very low level of efficiency thats for sure. And I wonder why I can't even wash dishes for more than five straight minutes? Or how I can accomplish quite so little in the span of the twelve hours my husband's gone? 

And don't think I'm being all holy and offering up this type of sacrifice! I think my prayer life is at an all time zero. I'm basically praying at night in the 5.4 seconds it takes for me to fall asleep when I turn off the lights and my head hits the pillow. "Oh hey God please help me to pray a little more tomor....zzzzzzz." Its illuminating.

{two}

Next on the complain train: NFP.
There is still no progress in my getting a better handle on whats going on with my body via NFP doctors. I honestly think I'm going to have to go to medical school in order to get a medical professional to take me and my wacko reproductive system seriously. But by the time I'd finish medical school I'd be way past menopause so it would be useless.
Also; there needs to be a NFP pope. Someone to declare what science, or what method, or whatever, is legit and the real and true right way so there can be no more arguing and dismissing of each other. Because I am completely tired of people who supposedly have a lot of knowledge about NFP completely dismissing me when they learn I use one method. They hear I don't have an infertility problem and thus come up with the completely revolutionary idea that I don't have health issues I must be too stupid to chart properly and would be perfectly fine if I just switched to their method. Over seven years of experience charting diligently doesn't matter. Looking at my charts doesn't matter. The idea that I've had five kids in five years; no big deal, she wouldn't be interested or knowledgeable in both her own body or the science of NFP....Ooohhh nooooo this woman just needs to switch methods that'll fix everything! I seriously am going to start presenting my symptoms/charting before telling people I have five kids because it presents almost the same as many women experiencing infertility issues but no one seems to think it worth investigating when I experience the opposite problem.
Actually I'm just starting to believe maybe I am a complete dunce and have no idea how to chart and the past seven years have accumulated zero knowledge of my body or NFP. Maybe I should just call it quits and accept the idea God wants me to be the next Mrs. Dugger. I guess if I did that I'd at least be free of all this NFP aggro!
Ok...I'm making myself stop now.

{three}

My mom and siblings are gone for a week to New England to attend my other sister's college graduation from a fancy Catholic college. Which is fun for them, not fun for me who gets her only break from toddles by going over to their house just down the road and begging for babysitting! By some alignment of the stars however, instead of my husband having to work overtime the entire time they would be gone he's gotten an extra day off so this weekend has turned into a four day long weekend. WIN!

{four}

I did manage to get to the greenhouse this afternoon. My first time out of la casa all week-yay for another adult being around! Which is a favourite annual event for me. I love picking out colourful flowers to perk up things around the house. I also like complaining that my poor flowers are only going to last a couple of short months because we live in the sub-arctic. Seriously, I was pumped yesterday when I realized it hadn't froze at night for almost a week and could start thinking about planting a garden. These a low expectations people.

{five}

My little peanut is almost smiling! I think she may have a serious streak because she doesn't seem to into yet. I love the newborn first attempts at smiling. They smile with their eyes. Then try to form a smile with their mouths and lips. But doing both together at the same time looks like it takes them so much work! They're hilarious. She's almost two months old. How does this happen?! Why does life with a newborn feel like a blur of one long day put together?? This week I hardly knew what day of the week it was.

{six}

This Girl-and her crazy hair-turns 6 on Sunday! (And check out the fly in my picture, weird no?)

My other little peanut is turning 6 on Sunday!!
That is ridiculous. I remember after she was born being completely unable to imagine having a child that old and that 6 years would be an eternity! And now its gone by so quickly. Six feels like she's not a baby anymore. She's just a kid. Good thing she's great. She only wants cupcakes, cookies, cake, ice cream, and fruit for her birthday dessert. French toast for her birthday breakfast and a request just came in for Kraft Dinner for lunch. A consummate gourmand.

{seven}

In addition, I'm turning 28 on Monday. When I have a baby at 21, I like to have it one day before turning 22....or that was what I thought at the time I'm sure.
Its a holiday Monday which is nice, so the husband will be home, I'm going to sleep in a little and then my plan for after that is to watch the whole of Season One of Veronica Mars while drinking ALL the margaritas! Come over and we'll party!

Happy weekend everyone-and everyone in Canada have an awesome Victoria Day loooonnnggg weekend!