Waterlogue-ed my Instagram, posting it on my blog. I can't believe I am that person.
As June flies by I'm trying to savour every bit of summer I can. It doesn't feel hot around here yet, but since everything is green and blooming I'll enjoy it every bit I can!
The lilacs have just started blooming here in the last week, which is ridiculously late even for us, but they're one of my favourite flowers so I've been bringing in bouquets every few days.
When you think of lilacs, don't they seem almost magical in a whole giant bushes covered in a bright, fragrant flowers? Maybe this is just a weird testament to the fact I've only lived in cold climates. Whenever I've visited warm climates I walk around dumbstruck that flowers can exist all year long, or bloom and live...ON TREES! #canadianproblems
I feel on the precipice of summer; any second now we'll start to do one thing that will lead to another that will lead to July being gone completely. Not that that's a bad thing of course. But I feel it coming. Know what I mean?
Lest you think I'm writing this while drinking my morning wine, I will in fact acknowledge that I feel I've been quite fluffy here on the blog as of late. Not that I'm ever super deep, or philosophical, but I have felt that I've been a couple buckets short of any inspiration at all for "content" filled posts. Not that I don't have opinions on ev.er.y.thing. Because, God help me I do, but I just feel somewhat writer's block-like. Not that I think of myself as I writer either. Whatever the reason there it is, although I do think my fluff-ish posts are ok, because I honestly have the goal of never posting something that isn't worth your time because I really appreciate it.
There. Blogger angst ended.
I'm not sure if this has anything to do with my writer's blockatosis but I've lately just started to realize that I'm beginning to come out of survival mode. It's been a weird realization because I've also come to realize that I've been operating in survival mode on every level for the past 7 years. It's been a constant atmosphere of survival in myself, our home, and our marriage in a lot of senses. Not many of which are bad however! But we've always been operating on the "We'll just make it through this pregnancy," "Just make it through birth and newborn stage," "Just make it through the first year of baby," "Deal with another surprise pregnancy crisis," repeat, repeat, repeat. And you know what, even though it's been a time of survival it's been really great, we've grown along with our children, really depended on God and grown in our faith. So just because all of it is hard, it's also in no way made my life terrible or unhappy. For the record.
But the survival mode mentality has definitely extended into my spiritual life in a lot of ways I didn't realize before. It's been a lot of dependence on God, which is really important of course, and I'm sure it was part of God's plan that I learned to approach him and depend upon him so drastically. I'm a very "Get it done, I don't need anyone's help" kinda person, so there was going to come a time (and will come many more times in my life, I'm sure) where I needed to be made to depend on God. But now I'm realizing that is the only way I've approached God in the last years. Now I'm left floundering so to speak in my prayer life, trying to find new anchors. It's hard to believe that God wants me to flourish instead of just get by. I seem to want to believe that I need to always be in crisis in order to be experiencing real faith. Or something. It's a bunch of confusing stuff in a lot of ways.
In amongst these spiritual things, and prayer struggles, I'm also feeling like there needs to be a lot more introspection on my part. I want to know myself better. In part because I'm a mom and all of the infinite ramifications I have on my children, in part because I'm almost 30 and want to be living my life the best I can, and in part because even though I have so little free time I want to be using it for the best possible reasons. So I've been thinking about my gifts, my tendencies to sin, trying to discover my patron saint, that kinda thing. All of which I'm confident will take a long, long time to figure out.
That seems to be where I'm at a lot of the time lately. Which doesn't leave enough room for exciting blog content. All those topics seem really unsexy to blog. Or maybe I need to stew on them for much longer in order to make heads or tails of any of it. Or I could blog it and loose all my readers! Who knows really, I always seem to just be flying by the seat of my pants around here like most other parts of my life, so it's really a miracle you're reading this at all!
Hope everyone has a great weekend! I think I need to wash some windows, drink some margaritas, and bake some cake!
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