Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Drowning my mothering sorrows...
Some days I have to swear to myself that I'm not trying to be terrible at this thing called motherhood.
Nothing terrible has happened to any of my children, not even anything really out of the ordinary. Nothing extraordinary has happened to me, nothing that would "trigger" anything even. There are no difficult circumstances that require heroic levels of mothering superpowers. And yet, here I am feeling uncharacteristically downtrodden about mothering in general and mothering one child in particular.
I do not understand how it can be possible to love a child in all his perfect-ness from his blissfully soft blonde hair to his chubby toes, to his hilarious way of pointing out what makes him happy to his enthusiastic heart, and at the very same time wonder if it will ever be remotely pleasant to live with him.
What I thought was a stage has turned into over a year of very loud, near constant tantrums and screaming. Although his communication is improving, I keep waiting and waiting for the day it isn't exhausting dealing with him.
I know, it's not constant even though it very nearly feels that way. I know his happy moods are wonderful and happen everyday too. But I guess when my mornings and days are filled with moving from one kids fight to helping another to settling another issue here to dealing with constant irrational toddler screaming to helping a fussy baby I wear a bit thin.
It's frustrating when all knowledge of child development and intellectually knowing that it's a two year old you're dealing with, doesn't help you love anymore easily when things get tough. My love turns out to be very limited and constantly succumbs to impatience.
It's so hard on hard days knowing you're not very good at loving. To know your kids are separate from yourself, outside of your control, even at the age of 2. You can't change their stage, or development, or temperament. This remains a truth throughout their entire lives, and will be encountered again and again in this life of motherhood.
Another day, another dose of humility, another cry for grace.
facebook ~ instagram ~ pinterest