Monday, April 22, 2013

Children belong at Mass. Period.


I usually try to ignore posts and articles complaining about how people should be acting at Mass. Not because I think there's nothing to complain about, but more because I lean towards jumping on the complaint wagon and going all judgemental on people...so I try to stay away and not get all riled up irrationally.

But this post of Deacon Greg's has gotten under my skin. (Go read it, but be careful of rage!) When Deacon Greg first posted it last week and I read the letter in question I just dismissed the writer as being a tad uptight, probably on the older side, and not too accustomed to children. I figured the comments would all say that children are indeed welcome at Mass and maybe this letter writer should sit closer to the front of the Church. Then a few days letter Deacon Greg posted the follow up letter from the questioner and that's when I really lost my mind.

I think there are so many reasons that this stance of how children should not be brought to Mass until they're of the age of understanding and self-control is completely wrong, but I'll just throw a couple of my ten cents worth of opinion in.

First of all, I completely understand how crazy loud children can be in Mass. I'm usually sitting in a pew with five of them. We've always brought our kids to Mass, and we've always aimed to keep them relatively quiet within our pew. That's our goal. To say our pew is silent would be far from the truth but we've also only had to remove kids from the church (our church is tiny so we really have to go outside to put any sort of barrier between the church and screaming banshee) a handful of times. Our kids make some noise, they fight, they whisper terribly, and if they're babies they may cry for a minute or two before being soothed or put on a boob. We've gotten to this point of containment by always having kids napped and well fed before our 5 pm Saturday evening Mass. When we're busy and we don't have things carefully synchronized with naps and food it can be a whole hour of torture with badly behaving kids. My main point is, most parents of small babies/toddlers are in the process of training their children on how to behave at Mass and it usually requires a lot of behind the scenes preparation in order to be at peak good behaviour, and there could be any number of reasons why a kid could be having a full-flung tantrum or it could just be a bad day. Training requires that we actually show up at Mass on a regular basis with our children however. And I agree that this is a skill that parents have to teach. Respectful children at Mass don't suddenly appear on doorsteps at the age of five or seven, they grow up to that level of behaviour and parents have to teach it.

But the idea of children being kept away from the Mass, and all the graces which come from being close to Christ, until a certain age where they've attained some magical level of self control and understanding of the Mass is also completely counter to what the Church teaches. If the Church thought this way we'd have the Rite of Baptism finish with words like, "And may God bless you for the next five years until you're quiet enough to join the rest of the Church at regular Mass attendance." Our children are full members of the Body of Christ after receiving Baptism. They're part of the Church whether or not they understand the Catechism or not. So are the mentally disabled. So are the poorly catechized who probably don't understand the importance of the Mass either. So am I, who would easily get distracted while a teenager by the cute boy a couple pews down, and who still gets distracted by someone's weird hairdo or the jumbo-trons in mega parishes(shudder!). We all come up short in the proper reverence that is due in the Sacrifice of the Mass. But we also can't change the fact that the Mass is the Church's public form of worship. Public as in everyone is welcome and everyone is meant to come together and worship God together. Everyone. People who distract us, people we don't like, people who sin. We cannot put requirements on who may attend Mass because the Mass wasn't even created by us-it was instituted by Christ and He meant it for everyone. Luckily there are plenty of Catholic devotions and prayers that require silence. Eucharistic adoration is a great place to go to sit in silence and Christ's presence. The Liturgy of the Hours, the Rosary, lectio divine, can all be done silently and prayerfully in a quiet church or chapel. Go take advantage if you think children as Sunday Mass distract you from prayer-say some extra ones for the poor parents while you're at it!

Attending Mass as a family is a goal that I think all Catholic families aim for. Sure, sometimes its refreshing to go to Mass alone, free from controlling and patrolling toddlers, but I know I would feel empty and not whole somehow if I continually attended Mass alone. And I know that is kind of a touchy-feely argument but I think my children would feel the same way if we left the rest of their younger siblings at home, or daddy couldn't come to the same Mass because the babies had to stay home every week. Of course the logistics of one parent going to one Mass and the other attending another would take away from precious family time in an already very busy stage of life. While growing up, my dad had yet to convert to the Catholic Church and I remember from a young age always wanting my dad to come to church with us. When the whole family attends Mass together the children are shown that Mass, the Faith, and God are important.

Since all my kids are 5 and under, I know that children do absorb a lot from Mass even at these early stages. Different children pick up on different things from the Mass. My daughter notices the actions of the priest throughout and asks questions about it later. My 4 year old son already knows all the words to the Confitieor and the Gloria. This is where faith starts, at the child's level and it gradually grows with that child. It runs completely contrary to logic to think that the faith does not start to sink into a child's heart and mind until a certain age.

Really, the arguments for bringing children to Mass and attending Mass are many! I think that's why the letter in question made me go a bit batty. I think it all boils down to the fact that children are the Church's future, they're people, and full members of the Church who deserve not only Christ's love at Mass but the love and respect Christ calls us to give to everyone. We all also have to deal with things that distract us in Mass, be it others or ourselves, as well as we can and hopefully grow in holiness while doing so.

18 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. Wow Mena! That is quite the screaming child story! I've never come across that before, and I agree thats a little crazy, I also say that Mass isn't the best time to implement discipline. Or try new parenting techniques! I think that situation may warrant a friend saying something to her, but I'm pretty sure this isn't a common occurrence in most parishes which is why I found the initial letter so overboard! But I love that you help out your friends! I'm sure that really makes a difference in how much they get out of Mass AND how much less exhausted they must be afterwards!

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  2. Great post Christy! I was just thinking on this yesterday while Chloe was walking back and forth between us and my parents, tripping over kneelers, calling out for her Uncle Paul who was sitting on the altar, banging her head on the pew, crying because it hurt and then Ben whining and crying because he was tired. You wrote this beautifully and I would rather be distract by your 5 kids 5 and under, than by the old lady who talks throughout the whole mass, the business man who 'forgot' to turn off his cell phone, or the teenagers who are chewing bubble gum and playing on their iphones.

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    1. Thanks Amanda!

      And yes, I'd much rather be distracted by children in Mass than a whole lotta other things! I'd even like it if there were any other kids at our parish so it wouldn't always be just my kids making noise!

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  3. I just had a rage black out from reading the original post. And the follow up. Hi, I'm supposed to stay home with my children all week and then not go to Mass with my husband on Sunday?

    Bet she's an awesome grandmother. Just saying.

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  4. Excellent post! I feel the same way you do. Within the first month of moving to a new county & to a new parish, an older woman stood up before mass to make some announcements. One of the announcements was that the new cry room is now open and any crying, disruptive children should be taken there since they only have this one day to worship. I was the only person in the sanctuary that evening with small children. Everyone else was an older child or older. I have never felt so unwelcome. Their cry room is through two huge doors & has a TV broadcasting the mass. My kids think the cry room is an excuse to run around and act crazy. They learn nothing when we are in there. I still go to church there for the time being while I look for another more baby friendly church close enough to us. As a convert - one of the things that drew me to the Catholic church was the way that children were welcomed in church (the ones I went to before now anyway). it breaks my heart to see this woman's attitude and opinion of children in mass. It breaks my heart further to go to a church where her opinion is commonplace (at the Sunday mass, they call the children up at the beginning of mass & they follow a woman out to worship elsewhere...more like some of the protestant churches I have attended in the past). It does my heart good to hear of people wanting children to stay in mass!

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    1. Oh wow, this new parish sounds rough! We're the only family who regularly attends Mass at our parish who has little kids also, and it can be a little stressful knowing everyone knows its your kids making noise because there are no more kids! But I just decided to get over it because its more important the kids are in Mass, and I'm in Mass! I absolutely abhor cry rooms. They send such an awful message to families. As if the mother and child shouldn't be present with the rest of the congregation?! Awful! I hope you don't let that one woman bully you into taking your kids to the dreaded cry room every time they make a peep-I'm sure the whole parish can't feel that way-I hope?? (Btw, its so awesome to have converts like you in the Church!)

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  5. Our RCIA this year had the same type of issue - it was at 9:30 until about 10:30 then they wanted us at the 11 am mass (which last until 12:30). Getting a kid to behave for an hour and half is hard, keeping them occupied for 3 is down right impossible. We left H. with grandma a few days, but Mass felt hollow without him and the days we tried to bring him to class we spent shuffling between him and usually we ended up leaving before Mass (or doing the Sat. evening as a family). It was not a very family friend environment. In general our parish is fairly family friendly, but I don't think families were taken into consideration for RCIA.

    The thing is that the Mass is part of what makes Catholics Catholic. Any child who is baptized (or soon to be baptized in the case of the very little or new to the Church) is a member of the Church and cannot, and should not, be denied a chance to worship. When are they supposed to learn about the Mass if they don't attend it? If you wait until they're 4, 5 or 6 years old you've missed out on a crucial period of development and time of childhood wonder that makes young children so inquisitive and accepting of what you want them to learn about faith.

    Honestly, I grew up with "children's services" etc., and it was difficult when suddenly you went from never staying in church with the adults to being expected to know what to do, what to say and be able to sit still long enough as an older child.

    In the end - because I've seen so few times of a parent being totally blind to a child's noise, etc. - I wonder if this debate has more to do with the people being distracted? If you, as an adult, cannot stay focused on the Mass because of a small child babbling or munching on cheerios then perhaps there's something else distracting you.

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  6. Well said. I agree wholeheartedly.
    I went to Mass in our hometown at Easter and the church was packed with children - however, it was clear that most of these kids had not been to Mass very often, but were there because the parents felt they had to attend church with the grandparents.

    My two, 2, both under 4, were by no means perfect, but they were both genuinely interested in what was going on at times, and at other times, happily (and somewhat quietly) coloring or looking at the books we brought.

    My own grandma was amazed how well they behaved - especially in contrast to the constant acting up of 20 other kids. She told me she never brought her (7) kids until they'd had their First Communion (age 7), but she actually told me that maybe it would have been okay to bring them younger because they, like my two, would have gotten used to Mass and the behavior that is expected.

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    1. It makes such a difference in kids behaviour when they regularly attend Mass! It makes sense that we set a level of expectation that they behave well for just an hour repeatedly. I think taking kids to Mass actually helps them behave well in a lot of other areas of life. You get a lot of bang for your discipline buck for Mass as a parent!

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  7. Christy,
    I could not agree anymore with your post if I had written it myself! I could tell you the horror stories of cry rooms we have been in over the past 13 years from churches that did not want my children in Mass but no just one anecdote from our parish. We got a new pastor one summer at our mostly Hispanic parish. The only English mass is th 10 am so it's the mass our family attends every Sunday. We have always sat in the front row to the left of the altar so needless to say the new Pastor notice out family of 6 right away. We introduced ourselves after mass and he commented on our children's strong saint names. The following week our Max, who was a babbling one year old starts to do just that babble and my husband got up to take him to the back of the church. FROM the pulpit, Fr. Luis said, "oh no, you bring Maximilian back to his pew, we all need to learn to listen while he talks. He deserves to be here more than us sinners." Just writing that makes me tear up! Let the little children come to Mass, our Lord wants them there!

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    1. Oh cry rooms are the worst! So glad to hear you have an amazing priest who rightly encourages and makes welcome children! Our priest is from Africa and we've had several instances where our Max also gets way out of hand for a brief couple moments and if it happens during the homily the priest will just say, "Hey Max, is something wrong my homily?" and it usually distracts Max enough to stop acting up!

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  8. Totally agree with you! I wrote a post about this same topic last weekend, although it was just a coincidence that it corresponded with Deacon Greg's post. It was prompted by my own unwelcoming experience at Mass with my toddler on Saturday night.

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  9. Thanks so much for this post Christy! We had an unfortunate incident in our parish a few weeks ago at a Sunday Mass, when our pastor made some choice comments about the Catechism that has really upset a whole bunch of folks in the parish. He stated that mothers of babies could be dispensed from Sunday Mass attendance if they were unable to keep their baby quiet during Mass. It didn't make sense to me coming from such a pro-life and pro-family priest, especially since the comments followed a moment or two of silence while he waited for a mother of a crying infant to settle him down -- it was right before the final blessing and she was trapped in a pew in the transcept of the church. She couldn't get out unless her husband and several other kids exited as well. I do think some priests are a bit stuck in this idea that kids should just stay home with Grandma while the parents and older kids go to Church. Or spilit up for Mass, or whatever. Logistically, it is just so much easier to go together, even though most of us with young ones would never use the word "easy" and the phrase "going to Mass" in the same sentence.

    My favorite line was from our Jeremiah's baptism when our (visiting, friend) priest said in the homily, "Catholic liturgy is supposed to be noisy!" referring to the children. We do our best as parents, but it would be so much nicer if others could offer a little more understanding and less judgement. We mamas need our God-fix too!

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  10. So no kids, which means for those of us exclusively breastfeeding, no moms. Sounds like a nice, quiet empty church. We're supposed to be a welcoming people. I recall the Msgr in charge of our marriage tribunal announcing at mass one day 'd cries of d children is d music to God' (think Mexican accent).

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  11. Hi, I was sent over here from Carrots for Michaelmas. I don't have children, but wow! I could possibly justify taking time to allow a child to calm down outside if they're having a really hard time, but this attitude of outright banning kids from mass!? Not only does it alienate them from an early age, but it alienates the parents, as well. It furthers the attitude of, 'I'm so sorry our marriage resulted in children' which I find incredibly disturbing.

    Thank you so much for writing this - I think my mother will find it encouraging for when we take my little niece and nephew to mass.
    ~Willow

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  12. Thank you for this post. Thank you!! I have an almost one year old, and one on the way. They will be 18 months apart, so I'm sure we have many many interesting masses ahead. My little guy for the most part does pretty well in mass, but he has heaps of energy, and likes to just talk and talk. He rarely screams or cries, but he is always babbling and sometimes really loudly. But I cannot make myself leave with him because to me babbling is not the same as disrupting the mass with screaming and crying. I think from day one my husband and I just instantly agreed without really ever discussing it that we would keep him in mass with us no matter what unless there was an obvious reason to take him out, and for the most part we have stuck to it. I don't want to go to mass without my family, and I don't think anyone should have to! But I also remind myself that I need to presume charity from the people around me, and not judgment. For every person rolling their eyes (although I don't think I've ever actually seen an eye roll) there is one smiling because they know what it's like or sending a smile my sons way (and I ALWAYS seem to catch the smiles).

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  13. I love this! We had a wonderful priest, Fr. Parker who would say "I would rather hear the noise of children than the silence of abortion, keep them in Mass". I think that if this practice is not instilled to the best of your ability from the beginning then how can we expect children to find it important when they are teens or grown.

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