Joining Jen as usual-eternally pregnant women unite!
Has anyone else been reading those papabile articles by John Allen? They're pretty interesting, as in most Cardinals have pretty amazing stories as to what they've done in the their lives and great varying experiences. But then at the end of the article Allen succinctly sums up why the cardinal in question wouldn't be garnering votes, you know- too lefty, too righty, too Jesuity, too smarty. (I've been reading a lot of Dr. Suess this week ok?!) And then after you read the faults against the Cardinal your reaction is "Psshha the guy hasn't got a chance of a vote!" I think that feeling comes from
our my presumption that you have to be perfect to become a pope, or a saint, or someone holy. I believe Blessed John Paul II and Pope Benedict XVI were extremely holy popes, but even they had flaws and I'm sure the flaws they had before they became pope were even more well known. No one's perfect unfortunately. I think we'd all feel better about an election if there was a perfect candidate out there with a red cap.
On that note how ridiculously hard would it be to be a Cardinal right now?! Wouldn't the pressure seem intense?? How do you weigh the faults of one guy against the other? The good works and abilities of one against someone who has completely different abilities and talents? It just seems to be further evidence that the Holy Spirit has to be at work in that whole thing. Although this article that talked about Pope Benedict not thinking the Holy Spirit was directly involved definitely made me think "Oh great, we're all screwed!" But only for a small amount of time I promise-I've got a lot of faith in the Holy Spirit, and the eternal nature of the Papacy, and prayers...
I haven't talked much about Lent because I'm not doing anything. I didn't take on any extra prayers or works, I didn't even think about giving anything up. I talked to my spiritual director before Lent began and just said flat out I can't handle anything else. I'm a wimp. I've been doing a horrible job just with my third trimester sacrifices as it is. So he told me that sometime life asks a lot of us and that we should just be focusing on what we're called to do in the moment. And accepting what God is asking of us. All of which I've been stinking at lately. I was doing pretty good until about yesterday, and I spent the whole morning in an awful mood crying about everything.
Max is going through this high-pitched screaming stage where he screams whenever he wants something, or whenever he's hungry (which is pretty much all the time since he has the metabolism of a large horse), or whenever he wants me (which is also all. the. time.). It is really hard for me to not scream at him. Hoping this stage magically passes in the night.
As usual Jen always writes what I think much better than I can even talk about those things. If you haven't read this article about reasons not to say you're done having kids go right now. Whenever I hear someone say that whether they're Catholic or not I get a sad sinking feeling inside me. I mean even though I'm about the farthest away from being even close to controlling/postponing/grappling with my own super-fertility if I had the superpower to magically control my super fertility, to easily say "I'm done", I think I'd still always have a deep hardness within my heart. Its as if being completely closed to life kills something within the heart. I'm fumbling with words here, but thats a quick idea.
I've been really anxious the last couple weeks. Anxious mostly about the birth and labour and pain and health of my child and what will be happening to the other kids and how long will it take me to recover and will we make it to the city, etc etc etc. I don't usually struggle with anxiety. But in every pregnancy I have a lot of anxiety regarding birth, so much so that its hard for me to even picture the baby at the end of it. I feel like there must be something a little wrong with me because it seems every other mother is able to clearly picture getting past the pain to the baby on the other side and seeing the birth as a blip along the way, while I seem to have irrational fears about everything about it. My births haven't been traumatic even-I really don't have much to base these fears and anxieties on. I've even not been in control to the degree I'd like to be since my first birth which was at home, since then I haven't been able to be where I wanted to be yet everything still worked out. My only medical concern is my extreme after birth pains that this time I'm combatting with a serious painkiller to avoid 40+ hours of contractions AFTER the baby is born. So everythings under control. But I still seem to spend most of my day praying through anxiety. Hormones much??
This. All week.
And this forever pregnancy is only coming a close second to this forever winter. It was bitterly cold, grey, snowy, and windy this whole week. I don't want to be a Canadian who complains about winter, because that is truly the most annoying human trait conceivable, but the continual grey is starting to get to me. I honestly can't imagine spring at this point. Like I honestly can't imagine being NOT pregnant.