Monday, August 20, 2012
Trying not to pout and other truths.
Sorry for the blog silence around here. I've spent the last week or so not wanting to get out of bed. No the news isn't of the life threatening sort, its of the sort I can't seem to talk about yet though. But needless to say I'm doing an awesome job dealing with it.
Isn't it funny how we spend so much time talking about suffering and God, as in the way God works with suffering in our lives, helps us through it with grace and all that other great stuff, but when you really boil it all down the suffering part really sucks. You just can't get around it. I also suck at suffering, and can't seem to get around that either.
I feel the most frustrated at this all-encompassing frustrating situation at my own emotions. I feel as if my emotions are almost making this situation impossible to deal with. The situation cannot be changed and yet my emotions are making it about 100 times worse than it already is all by itself. I seem to be asking God what the point of these emotions are because they just keep making things more awful. If God was going to give me this problem, why not cut me a break on my emotions and feelings towards it? Where's the magic "saintly feelings" dust?? If God is asking for heroic things, where is my heroic feelings of self sacrifice and joy?
I can't figure out if its just me, if I've bought into our cultures "must feel good all the time" mandate, or if maybe these emotions play into the situation on a level which God's ok with. Its really a vicious cycle of feeling horrible, then thinking about why I feel horrible, then coming up with only horrible reasons why I am feeling horrible.
Basically I'm a hot mess. For all the craziness the future holds, I'm still having a hard time just dealing with today. Getting through today in all my questioning, anger, frustration, and basic strange communication with God right now. Trying not to let my emotions control me and keep me in bed all day. I feel immature and silly knowing its God's will yet feeling so generally horrible about it all.
I'm sorry for all my vagueness that may one day become clear. I'm off to fold more laundry, give more cuddles, and clean up more messes. Please spare a prayer for me when you can!